Onward, or better yet...

Sometimes, everything is different from the way you thought it would be.
Hallelujah! Because don't ya know when you look over your shoulder, without fail, you are so grateful. Why can't we seem to remember this every.time.it.happens?

Hallelujah! for unanswered prayers
Hallelujah! for unexpected bends in expected straight roads
Hallelujah! to the One who knows so much more than I

Right now I am looking over my shoulder, grateful that my life took a sudden turn away from where it was speeding towards. Simultaneously, I'm looking head on at a new bend that terrifies me, that changes everything and leaves me (what feels like) empty-handed.

Hallelujah! to the day that I see why.

Facts:
I am nobody's wife. Praises!
I am not a nurse. or maybe I am, just differently than I previously thought.
Onward! or better yet...
Present! for I've learned the vast importance of living this day, this moment.

On another note: I made sweet potato casserole one hour before class started. Result: interesting, half-baked casserole with brown sugar-crumble topping oddly mixed in with orange potato goodness. Feelings: Not too bad.


What was a bend in your road that now makes you want to say, Hallelujah! ?

White Birch

If today is not a White Birch kind of day, then I know nothing of what is.

It's music for a rainy day.
but when the rain is freezing.
so it's become snow.

Snow and Scales

I live in a little room. in a little house. in a little town.
Snow fell from the sky for the second time since moving here four months ago. This time successfully creating a white blanket, a clean canvas to paint some thoughts over.

I am.
nobody's wife. nor girl... and that is okay. And one day, it will even be good.
I am.
wrestling with what is important

.Some things that aren't making the list:
- what I wear, or, how I look
- school and degrees//Money
- Happiness and Easiness and Comfort
- Anything past this day, this moment.
- Deadlines, Dates, Rushing

I keep changing. Where I live and who I know keeps changing. What I believe and how I act upon it keeps changing. My emotions keeps changing.

Change keeps your spirit from drying up. Change keeps you growing, Keeps pushing you into uncomfortable shapes so that you learn and become a further prepared instrument.

If I am The Lord's instrument, what do I sound like? Am I a brass, string, woodwind, percussion? Brought to His lips or held in a firm grip? Soft and melodic? Deep and earthy?

At any rate, I am valuable because I am one of them, and my scales are uniquely known.
and my scales are uniquely known.

The sadness

This sadness is not a wild crashing wave. It does not ebb nor flow to beat its heinous fists on my face and back til I finally fall.

No.

It is slow and steady and constant. So slight that I barely notice it rising until it is expanding in my lungs and then it finds its way out and down my face.

There is a certain person who I miss everyday. and everyday I try to be around people. but at some point I am alone. and that is when I notice The sadness has come.

What I mean to say is that it just seems like The sadness must prove something. Because it is so rare that I find myself this overcome by an emotion so pure to be one substance, a water, a sadness felt from loving someone so darkly and deeply and ignorantly and not being able to be with them at any capacity.



Are we meant to be with some people?
Is love a choice we make or that is made for us?
What do you let lead you: Your head or that heart?



This is a painting (by Ran Ortner)

Hope

There are some things, events, articles, spectacles, people that fall into your life from The Vastness That Is that give you so much hope.

so
much
hope.

be thankful for them



What has given you hope the past few days?

Past Lives

A while ago I had a discussion with a dear friend on past lives.

Now, past lives are the sort of thing I chuck into the astrology/karma/ouija board/Fantasy Fiction Novels kinda drawer, all of which are sort of fun in their own way but are indeed completecrap.

But I guess if I had to be some peoples in my past lives here are my guesses:

King Arthur... no explanation here.



Emily Dickinson... this used to be Helen Keller, but I think I've graduated Helen and have moved onto Emily. The idea was that I am uh...chaste...and awkward...and a girl. Plus, Emily has this wild side and understands how going to church isn't always as great as going into nature and letting the sky be your steeple. Yeah? no? At any rate, I've been (un)known to write down a few poems and dillies myself, so there ya go.

not her:


but her:



I imagine she is saying: Oooooh! Would you look at this flower! I feel like quite the lady!


Finally, my last guess would be Luna Lovegood.
Oh wait...
Guess HP got mixed in... Definitely need to clean out that makebelieve junk drawer.
Anyway, here she is in all her SpaceCadet glory:


I imagine she is saying: ...oh wait, Who am I? I thought the camera might have been over there? Yea, I couldn't find any clean pants, do you think my dad will notice I borrowed his?


I also like that everyone gets to be someone famous in a past life. I mean, no one is ever Thomas Filbrown who did nothing, nothing really at all. He ran for mayor and lost, and he died in his sleep. I have a feeling in a past life Thomas Filbrown was someone really great though, someone famous even! Like... Abraham Lincoln:




Who were you in a past life?

I feel...

Like this

yuck.


How do you feel today?