बी माय सेल्फ

here's the thing. this post was going to be about doing things alone.
I was going to talk about my experience going to a Dr.Dog concert in D.C. with no one to accompany me and I was going to post this video.

but I need to write about India. and what that actually means is that I need to write about lost dreams. Do you know what I mean? Do you know about lost dreams?

Do you know about being young, or being old and wanting
to be and to have and to run and to jumping?
Oh GOD! open your old journal, your eyes and your brain
because let me remind you that today aint the same
as the dream you invented and watched play out on the ceiling
while your pencil scratched, and eyes began leaking.
I'm not talking about the fireman, ballerina, or rock star

I'm talking about that thing you wanted to do one time that no one thought you could.
and you didnt.....


I'm talking about India, folks.


There was a time in my life where I thought about India all day long. and I imagined myself washing clothes, and cleaning sores, and feeding old men with cinnamon skin and white beards some chana masala, or vegetable soup, or pile of rice, or whatever. Laughing with the Sisters in their white and blue saris. reading books, and exploring Calcutta, and moving to the country and living alone in my house with a garden and a cow named Meghdoot. and I screamed in the softest tones at my mother who told me it just "Might Not Be in the Works." because how could she say that? I could feel India in my heart beat. Lub-dub.

but I didn't go.
because it just wasn't in the works.
This was all over 2 years ago. But lately I've been reminded of India.

1.) I watched a movie called Sita Sings the Blues

2.) I ate at Taste of India the other night for dinner (yummmmy) then threw it all up at 3am (grossss)
3.) I received a postcard from a friend who reminded me of this lost dream. the front had a picture of the Taj Mahal. the postage was a Mother Teresa stamp. woah.
4.) everytime I go to type my title into this bloggything, it translates my words into HINDI>>????? why? weird?!!


Will I ever go to India? Probably not.
I'm content where I am. There are so many people to love here. and there is so much to learn here. Why would I leave just to feel some sort of idealized, romanticized adventure?

... because sometimes i still feel my heartbeat go. Lub-dub...